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  • Writer's pictureSD Chinyelu

Establishing Relationships

It seems simple but appears to be difficult nowadays for men and women to establish relationships. We meet each other based upon physical attraction and usually build on that alone. Physical attraction is based upon preference but relationships are established. How relationships are established you might ask? It comes down to the two people involved in this relationship naturally. From an even deeper aspect we must first deal with how the two people perceive one another. If the perception is wrong or tainted, it may decide how they treat one another.

I once had an associate that at one particular time I considered a friend. He and I hung around similar circles and shared similar view points. One day in particular, we were talking about music. I wanted us to work on a project together doing music. We had worked together before and everything went smooth so I suggested we work together again. During our conversation he happened to mention to me that he went to a business seminar the weekend prior to us meeting. He explained that the keynote speaker explained that there are three types of people you deal with in business. One was called the blue people, the other was called the green people and the third was called the red people.

The blue people were the people that looked up to you. They admired you as a person and they were what you called a subordinate. These blue people could be people you supervise, they could be children or they could be people that come to you for advice. Through labor, age, rank or authority you definitely hold a higher position than they do.

He went on to explain that the green people were considered your equals. These were the people that dealt with you on your level. They may even be more critical of you because they are your peer. For the most part, they are equally dependent on the relationship as you are. You don’t have to answer to them and they don’t have to answer to you. In the workplace or elsewhere you basically hold the same rank.

Then you have what is known as the red people. These are the people that you look up to. They more than likely hold rank over you in some way or another. They could be your supervisor, a judge, hold rank over you in some military sense. They could be your parents or an elder. The bottom line is that you are subordinate to these people.

I asked him a question after he explained the different types of people. I wondered if we were over critical of each other because we were peers. He looked me dead in the eye and replied. ‘That’s your problem; you need to look at me as one of the red people’. Needless to say we are no longer friends.

Part of establishing relationships is grasping how a person perceives you. You cannot always make the right judgment call because so many people put up a façade. However, there is one thing that can help you understand how they perceive you. You can pay attention to how they treat you. Are they considerate of your needs and wants? Are they attentive to your concerns? When they speak to you is it in an authoritative tone or is the tone friendly. Of course men and women start relationships off like this in the beginning stages. They may even pretend to be nice just to get what they want in the relationship. The one thing you should consider is that a person can’t hide being themselves for too long. The more time you spend with them, the more you see them for who they are. Eventually they will show you how they perceive you. You must pay attention to those signs. The first time they decide to yell at you or be verbally abusive you have to put your foot down. Regardless to how much you are attracted to them, you must demand that it never happens again. You could end the relationship there or you can give them another chance but you make sure they know not to cross that line. Many choose to argue back. I am guilty of arguing back but what you eventually produce is a relationship that has two co-dependents of an abusive relationship.

What I would suggest is that you write down or openly verbalize what you will accept and not accept in an intimate relationship. It is always best to do this before sexual intercourse. Sex always clouds the mind; especially when it is good sex. Two adults can have a civilized conversation without beating each other down with words. Physical abuse is totally out of the question regardless if it is male or female that is doing the abusing. True love is an enduring thing and is way beyond the shallow realm of physical features. The best way to endure is to establish a certain way you expect to be treated. When you explain this to people they believe that it takes away from the romance. Constant breaks-ups and bitter divorces is what truly takes away from romance. It makes both men and women put up guards that hinder them from growing with a soul mate. Soul mates are not ready made; they are developed into that through time, patients, compatibility and love. Intimate relationships will not last without a foundation. People will organize and carefully select shoes better than they organize relationships and select mates. This concept of thinking is what has brought about so many broken families and broken homes.

We might tend to blame the other party in a relationship for mistreating us. The fact of the matter is that many times we allow ourselves to be mistreated by being complacent. Because we believe we are in love we allow things to slide that eventually grow into a cancer. This cancer then causes a rift in the relationship that cannot be repaired. Learn to establish relationships before intimacy and you will definitely sift through a lot of bullshit that comes your way. You tried and failed the other way now try it a new way and see your results. You will soon see who really has your best interest in mind or who just wants to use you for their own wants without willingness to give you what you need and want in return.

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